True Happiness
by shinjitotheikari
Summary: This is basically what I think would of happened if a few things in the nge universe were different (aka kaworu being around and asuka is in good health). Don't read this unless you have finished the original. This isn't really true to some of nge canon, but this is just a story and I plan on doing what I want with it as it folds out.
1. Chapter 1

"I feel like I was born to meet you Shinji." said Kaworu, with that same smile on his face. Shinji looked away, blushing, and thought to himself, I think I was born to meet you too Kaworu.

That was when they first met, and where it all began.

Before long, Shinji could not stop thinking about the mysterious 5th child, and how happy he made him. And when Kaworu said, "Shinji, I love you." Shinji thought to himself, "I love you too kaworu."

"Well Shinji, did you not understand what I just told you? Or are you thinking of a response?" asked Kaworu.

Shinji, too busy thinking about his feelings to pay attention to him, quickly snapped out of it and said, "What? I'm sorry, I was lost in thought…" Before looking away to try to hide the fact he had been blushing their whole conversation.

"I said, I love you Shinji Ikari." said Kaworu with a slight chuckle. Shinji didn't want to be as open as Kaworu, as he was still unsure of his feelings, but he wanted to try and explain them to Kaworu.

"Umm, Kaworu? I, um, I-I…. I th-think I love you too…" Shinji said nervously.

"Shinji Ikari, would you take my hand? I'd like to go take a walk outside along the beach, and I feel since we love each other we should become even closer." said Kaworu, stretching out his right hand.

"Of course Kaworu, I'd love to!" said Shinji, quickly getting up and taking Kaworu's hand. Kaworu smiled again and gave a slight chuckle.

"Alright Shinji, let's go." He said, and with that he began walking hand in hand with Shinji along the shore line. "So Shinji, why? Why do you say you think you love me? And what makes you unsure?" asked Kaworu, turning to Shinji and smiling.

"Umm," said Shinji, still trying to take in all the emotions he was receiving. "I said I think I love you because you're like no one I've never met before. You always listen to everything I say, and I find myself telling you things I've never told anybody else." replied Shinji.

"So you believe that is your definition of love? You are so interesting, Shinji Ikari. Now, why are you unsure? What doubts do you have settled in you mind?" asked Kaworu, still looking intensely at Shinji with that smile on his face.

"Umm" Shinji said again, unsure what to say. Did he really have any doubts? He thought he was in love, and he had never experienced it before, how did he not know this was it? All he knew was that if you were in love, you'd know it, and he felt like he knew. "To be honest Kaworu, I feel like my doubts are gone now." He said, squeezing Kaworu's hand tight. "Just walking here on the beach with you, holding your hand, makes me feel like I never had any doubts at all. My only doubt in the first place was that I've never been in love, so how did I know this was love, but I know it's love, I know it, I know it!" said Shinji.

"Hehe, alright then Shinji." said Kaworu before leaning in and kissing Shinji right on the lips. Shinji, not expecting the kiss, was surprised at first, but quickly closed his eyes and enjoyed the kiss. A few seconds later, they slowly broke the kiss, and went back to walking.

"Umm, Kaworu? It's starting to get late. I'm sorry, I mean I truly enjoyed our conversation, and then the walk, and the kiss, but I think I should go home now." said Shinji.

"Do you wish for me to come with you to bed again Shinji?" inquired Kaworu.

"Umm, no, not like I don't want you to or anything, I mean I'd love for you to come, but I have a lot I need to think about." Shinji answered anxiously trying not to disappoint Kaworu.

"Ha ha ha, do not be worried Shinji Ikari, I understand your feelings. Go back to your apartment, get a good night's rest, and think all that you wish to. I most certainly look forward to seeing you again tomorrow Shinji." said Kaworu before kissing him on the cheek, letting go of Shinji's hand and beginning to walk away. Shinji stood there for a few moments before coming back to his senses.

"I can't wait to see you tomorrow either Kaworu! I love you!" Shinji yelled to Kaworu.

Kaworu chuckled and turned around, "And I love you Shinji Ikari." He said as he waved goodbye to Shinji.


	2. Chapter 2

After saying goodbye to Kaworu, Shinji walked back to the apartment. He laid down in his bed, and then began to cry. Not because he was sad, but because he felt like he was happy. _So this is love... I've wanted this my whole life. I can't believe this, it all happened so fast. One moment, we were just talking to each other, the next moment we profess our love for each other. I hope I didn't take things too fast by saying it outright. I mean, Kaworu did, but he's just that type of guy, I'm not the one to be so open about my feelings. I guess that's another reason I love him, he's so brave. Brave to show his emotions so outright, and brave to speak them as if there were no consequence. I wish I were that brave... But he knows I love him, so I guess I don't have to. That's good I guess, if I was in his place I would have run away before so openly and randomly proclaiming feelings of love. _Shinji thought before letting out a loud yawn. _Well, I guess I should go to bed now, if I can wake up early and spend the whole day with Kaworu. _He thought, and then slowly drifted off into sleep.

The next day, Shinji woke up to see that he had woke up late. _Oh no, look at the time! What if Kaworu is waiting for me? _Shinji thought. He quickly bolted for the door, only to open it and see Kaworu standing right at the entrance to the apartment.

"Hello again Shinji, I've been waiting for you." said Kaworu.

"Kaworu? How long have you been waiting here?" asked Shinji.

"Well, I would say I have been anticipating your arrival for a full hour or so Shinji. Why do you ask?" replied Kaworu with a smile.

"Well, it's just that you didn't have to do that. And also, if you have been here for so long, why didn't you try ringing the doorbell to wake me up? I'm not complaining, it's really sweet in fact..." said Shinji, starting to blush.

"Well Shinji, I just found the best option to be waiting for you. I need not disturb your sleep." replied Kaworu.

"Umm, okay, thank you Kaworu. Um, what do you want to do?" asked Shinji.

Kaworu yet again stretched out his hand. "Do you wish to take another walk with me?" He asked.

Shinji blushed and took his hand. "Sure Kaworu. Let's go."

The two walked outside together, and began to walk alongside each other.

"I'm so happy Kaworu, I've never been in love before..." said Shinji, shyly looking away to hide his blush.

"I'm glad you are happy Shinji, for I have loved you for all of my existence. I am content knowing you are happy, for I could not dare bring myself to harm you. If I ever did, I would not know what to do..." replied Kaworu.

Shinji stayed silent. He still had a smile on his face, but Shinji did not know what to say to Kaworu's last statement. The silence continued on for a few brief seconds that seemed to last for minutes, before Kaworu broke it.

"Well Shinji, I am starting to get hungry, and I noticed that you did not have anything to eat this morning. Would you like to get something to eat?" asked Kaworu.

"Um, alright, that'd be nice." replied Shinji.

"Alright Shinji, let's go." said Kaworu.

End of Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

"Umm, Kaworu? I know of a nice little noodle shop we could eat at. It's just around the corner, and they make good food." Shinji suggested, still feeling shy and nervous.

"Of course Shinji. I'm happy with whatever your choice may be." said Kaworu, smiling at Shinji.

"Umm, alright, I guess that's settled." said Shinji, smiling and Kaworu. He let out a slight chuckle, "Come on Kaworu, let's start walking there."

"Lead the way Shinji." said Kaworu. They then walked over to the noodle shop and sat in a booth. Shinji picked up a menu and began looking at it, and looked up to see Kaworu with his elbow on the table, not looking at his menu, but straight at Shinji. A man came up to the to boys and asked what they wanted.

"Umm, I'll just have some shio ramen, I'm not too hungry." said Shinji quietly.

"And I'll have what he's having." said Kaworu, not taking his eyes off of Shinji for a second. The waiter took their menus and went to the kitchen. A few brief moments of silence occurred as Shinji silently watched Kaworu continue staring at him, and began to feel awkward as he had not moved since they sat down.

"Uhh, Kaworu? Why do you keep staring at me?" inquired Shinji.

"Well, I have been watching you since the beginning of your existence, why should I stop now just because I am here with you? In addition, you told me that you loved me, so why do you not enjoy me staring at you?" replied Kaworu.

"No, it's not that I don't enjoy it, it's just..." said Shinji before quickly going into a train of thought. _Is it really bad? I mean, when ever he stares at me I feel happy, so why am I being discomforted by it? The position I'm in right now is all I could ever ask for. It's paradise... and- _

"Shinji, what's wrong? You seem to be lost in your thoughts again. May I inquire what you were thinking about?" asked Kaworu.

"Umm, nothing really." replied Shinji.

"Oh, so you were you thinking about nothing? How was it?" said Kaworu.

Shinji was a bit confused, but then realized that Kaworu was being completely serious. _Why am I having so much trouble just telling Kaworu what I'm feeling? He always listens, he's been here for me ever since I first met him, and I love him for goodness sake! My time with him has been paradise, but maybe this is starting to be too much paradise... No, no, I mustn't think like that, I mustn't, I don't want to drift away from Kaworu. But I can't say I don't want to drift away from him, he's always the exact same. I don't want to admit it to him, but when I be true to myself, I know that I've never felt truly loved. _Shinji thought, before remembering he was in a conversation. He looked up to see that Kaworu had moved to the seat next to him.

"Um, Kaworu? Any reason why you moved over here? It's just that a second ago you over there and now-" said Shinji before being interrupted by Kaworu putting a finger to his lips.

Kaworu kissed Shinji on the cheek, and then brought his mouth to his ear and whispered, "Shinji Ikari, I have very much enjoyed my time with you, but I know that I can not make you truly happy. I have never loved you how you wished me to love you. I have hurt you, the one I swore to never harm. So I must go, I must leave forever. I am sorry Shinji, but you can only experience true happiness if I leave you. And for you to have true happiness is all I have ever wanted Shinji. Just know that we will meet again, and that you may find another." and then began to walk outside the restaurant. Shinji sat in astonishment for a few seconds before leaving some money on the table and quickly running after him. Once Shinji exited the restaurant, he saw Kaworu in front of him.

"Shinji Ikari, our time together was all I have ever wanted. Thank you for loving me." said Kaworu. Shinji then tried to run towards Kaworu, but some mysterious force seemed to be holding him back.

"NO KAWORU, DON'T LEAVE ME! Even if I'm not happy, I don't know if I'll ever be in love again, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL LIVE WITHOUT YOU KAWORU!" Shinji yelled as loud as he could.

"I am sorry, but this is what must be. I have always loved you Shinji, just not how you love me. Goodbye." said Kaworu.

A blinding light appeared, and Shinji looked away to avoid it's blinding gaze. When the light disappeared, Kaworu was gone. Shinji then began searching for him. Shinji looked in every direction, but Kaworu was no where to be found. Shinji ran all over town, yelling Kaworu's name. _No Kaworu no! Please don't leave me! I loved you more than life itself! _thought Shinji. He got lost looking for Kaworu, and then couldn't hold it in anymore. "WHY KAWORU, WHYY?!" yelled Shinji at the top of his lungs. Tears were streaming down his face, and he did not want to attract attention, so he found an alley to cry in. For the next hour he was sitting in the alley with his head buried in his knees, crying over his loss.

_Kaworu, why? You left me to give me happiness, but didn't you know that I would feel nothing but pain when you left? For someone who swore to never harm me, you sure have hurt me a lot. Now what do I do, Kaworu, my love, my hope in life that I would feel wanted, is gone. Now at least I've recognized the undeniable truth, no one's ever truly loved me, and without someone else to want me, I am useless. I could die here in this alley, and no one would miss me at all. _Thought Shinji, sinking more and more into his dark depression. Suddenly, Shinji heard a familiar voice.

"Shinji Ikari, where are you?"

End of Chapter 3


	4. Chapter 4

"Shinji? Shinji? Where are you?" Yelled a familiar voice, getting closer and closer with each word. Shinji didn't want anyone to find him, he just wanted to be alone so he could grieve. He then saw Asuka approach him.

"Ah ha! There you are! Hey Shinji, you weren't at school today, and when I went home you weren't there so I just decided to look for you. What in the world are you doing sitting out here?" Asuka asked, looking as mad as she usually was when it came to a Shinji.

Shinji then came to the realization that he had forgotten about going to school because of Kaworu. "Nothing, just please, leave me alone." replied Shinji quietly.

"Shinji, what are you so upset about? Why did you come out here all alone?" said Asuka, trying not to seem too concerned, before slowly approaching him.

"I said just leave me alone!" yelled Shinji, pushing Asuka away quickly. "…don't talk to me right now." he then said quietly.

Asuka, worried and a bit confused, decided to listen to him. "Sheesh if you're just gonna yell at me I'll go home. But next time don't you dare talk to me like that!" Said Asuka, before storming off.

Wow, I can't believe she actually listened to me. Well, I'm glad, I just want to lay here. I don't want anything anymore, except to die. I've lost the love of my life, and I don't matter at all to anybody else. My existence doesn't matter. It doesn't and will never again matter if I have anything to say about it. Thought Shinji.

Shinji sat in that secluded ally for hours silently mourning Kaworu, before gaining the courage to mope his way back to the apartment late that night.

Where am I? I'm back here? Shinji thought, seeing himself in the alley he had been crying in earlier. Suddenly, that blinding light appeared again, except for Kaworu appeared this time.

"Hello Shinji." said Kaworu.

Shinji began to cry. "Kaworu, I thought I had lost you forever. Please come back to me!"

"Oh Shinji, why would I do that? You said it yourself through your own thoughts. You are utterly useless. Your existence is pointless. Haha, you are so pathetic you have accepted it without even trying to better yourself. I did not come back for you, I was making good on my promise. Remember? I told you we would meet again. This is it, our final meeting. Goodbye Shinji Ikari, I leave you now to fight your demons on your own, for you have just lost your angel." said Kaworu, seeming to smile more as he got further into his interjection, and as Shinji began to cry more and more in front of him.

"But Kaworu, you said you loved me! How could you do this to me?!"yelled Shinji.

Kaworu was silent. The blinding light appeared again, and Shinji began to scream as loud as he could.

Suddenly Shinji screamed and sat up, and looked down and realized that he was sweating and hyperventilating in his bed. That was all just a dream, thank God. Shinji thought. He looked at the clock and saw the time, 3:30 am. Suddenly he heard footsteps, and quickly faked being asleep. He heard the door to his room open and some quiet grumbling, but nothing distinguishable. Shinji decided that he should try to sleep again, with having just woken up from a horrible nightmare, which had gotten him no rest.

Shinji woke up the next morning and sat down at the table. Asuka then approached him.

"Hello Shinji." said Asuka.

"Oh Asuka, hello." asked Shinji.

"Shinji, what happened last night? I heard you scream but when I went in your room you were asleep again." said Asuka.

"Oh, that was nothing. I guess I yelled in my sleep, I'm sorry. Nothing bad happened or anything." Shinji said.

Asuka slammed her hands against the table. "You're so pathetic, stupid Shinji. You don't even know when someone tries to help. Well, actually you do, but you're so pathetic you don't want to accept it. You just want to wither your pathetic little existence away." said Asuka.

She's right. There's nothing I can do. I want to wither away. At least I will be able to see Kaworu again, this time for real. thought Shinji.

Asuka pulled a gun out of nowhere and put it to Shinji's head. "You want to wither away you say? Well instead of that, how about I just end it right here. Your pathetic existence will finally be removed from this Earth for good. Shinji, what do you say?" said Asuka, who looked like she was anticipating a positive response.

"…..I don't know." replied Shinji quietly. God, I'm too depressed to even ask why she's doing this, how she got the gun, anything. I really have lost it all. Shinji thought.

"Pathetic Shinji, you won't even own up to making a decision. Well here, how about this?" Said Asuka, pulling a quarter out of her pocket. "Heads, you live. Tails, you die. Ready?" she said.

"Um, wait, I still don't know!" said Shinji.

Asuka tossed the coin into the air, and Shinji pondered his fate as time seemed to slow down as the coin flipped over and over through the air. Shinji watched as the coin fell to the ground and spun out. Him and Asuka both leaned over to look at the result. Shinji gasped.

"Tails," Said Asuka, putting the gun to Shinji's head. "It's been pathetic knowing you Shinji."

Without hesitation, Asuka pulled the trigger.


	5. Chapter 5

BANG!

And with that loud bang, Shinji woke up again with a short yell. What? That was a dream? But it felt so real... and why did Asuka shoot me? Shinji thought. I... I don't think that kind of dream just means nothing. I remember it all so clear, and I felt like my life was truly in danger... I wonder if I should mention this to Asuka, no, she'd just be confused and call me weird or something. I guess I'll just keep it in the back of my mind. Well, I guess now that this is over I should get up and eat breakfast before I get ready for school.

Shinji went and sat down at the table. Asuka then approached him.

"Hello Shinji." said Asuka.

"Oh Asuka, hello." asked Shinji.

"Shinji, what happened last night? I heard you scream but when I went in your room you were asleep again." said Asuka.

"Oh, that was nothing. I guess I yelled in my sleep, I'm sorry. Nothing bad happened or anything." Shinji said. This is so strange, our conversation has been identical to the one in my dream. What is going on with me, am I insane? Shinji thought.

"Well, it sure doesn't seem that way. You screamed pretty loud... Shinji, what aren't you telling me?" said Asuka, looking at Shinji suspiciously.

Shinji let out a small breath of relief as the she differed from his dream conversation. "Well, I had a few nightmares that woke me up last night. But I'm fine. Sorry to make you worry." replied Shinji.

"I never said I was worried, I was just asking why you were waking me up repeatedly with your screaming." Said Asuka, looking away in slight disgust.

"Well gee thanks Asuka, nice to know how much you care about me." Said Shinji in a very sarcastic tone.

"Oh you be quiet Shinji! If I didn't care about you, why would I have been looking for you yesterday?" said Asuka.

"You only did that because I have to pilot the eva! You didn't even care to stay with me and try and comfort me yesterday! You didn't even ask why I was crying! How could you be so cruel!" yelled Shinji, gaining anger and passion with each statement.

"Well then, fine. Why were you crying in that alley yesterday?" asked Asuka in a sassy voice with a bit of concern.

"I was crying in that alley because Kaworu disappeared right in front of my eyes!" yelled Shinji.

Asuka stayed quiet for a few seconds before saying quietly, "you should get over it..."

Shinji steamed with anger. "What? Get over it? He's left me for the rest of my life, and now all he does is haunt my dreams! I've lost the only love I've ever known!" he yelled, with tears streaming down his face.

Asuka went silent, realizing the pain she had caused Shinji with her actions. Shinji went and got ready in his room, still trying to wipe the tears off his face. A few minutes later, Misato came in.

"Come on you two, I'll drive you to school." said Misato. "Hey Shinji, what's wrong? You look a bit down."

"Well Misato, I'm fine. Don't worry about me, I'm just fine." Said Shinji.

Misato sighed. "Shinji, you're never going to get better by keeping everything from everyone. Someday you're going to have to confront yourself." She said.

Shinji and Asuka got in Misato's car without exchanging a single glance, and then went off to school.

Oh great, another day of living hell. thought Shinji.


End file.
